Valentine’s Day is drawing near, and I am thinking of my upcoming wedding anniversary. It was hard for me to remarry. I was scared. I understood that divorce, marriage, and the years in-between can bring a lot of ups and downs. I don’t, by a long shot, have it all figured out. But one thing has stood out to me as time has passed, and I have found that if I live by this tenet, my romantic relationship rises to the level in which it has the most potential.
I’ll be married this go-round for 7 years on Valentine’s Day. I was previously married for 7 years as well. I have found that this time, it’s easier for me to be me and for me to ask for what I need and expect. Part of that likely comes with age, but part of it is life and experience.
Which leads me to my one key piece of advice in relationships. If I could stress only one thing, it would be this: Be who you say you are.
So, what does that mean? In my first marriage, which I’ve talked about before, I wasn’t living who I said I was. Among other things, I am embarrassed to admit that I cheated and did things I am not proud of. When you have to hide any facet of your activities, you aren’t living truthfully and as a result, an intimate, true, loving relationship simply is not possible. I have learned the same thing in my current marriage, too; that if I am not living in the truest possible way and being honest and real with my actions and deeds and words and what I show to the world, I cannot be honest and happy in my main relationship.
How many politicians and preachers have we seen over the years who aren’t capable of this very thing? They live a lie and aren’t who they say they are. It is a hard thing; I know from experience. Just within the last year, I have worked on getting ‘real,’ which to me means living and being, really and truly, who I say I am out loud. I still falter sometimes, and I’m not perfect, but it’s the goal.
If you are hiding something or you find yourself saying you are one thing (married, or with this person, etc) and living another (secretly texting someone else, privately longing for something different, cheating or considering it, etc) then the best advice is to deal with it. If you are cheating, I am not at all advocating confession, because I believe that is unnecessarily hurtful at your partner’s expense; what I am advocating is either leave and do what you need to do, or stop the cheating. It’s true that you don’t know where you could end up sometimes and you might hurt your partner, spouse, and maybe even your children in the process, but ultimately, being who you say you are is worth it, hard as it is. It means integrity, down to your core. Be who you say you are, all the time.
What do you think? Have you found this to be true? Please share your thoughts on how being who you say you are and living as honestly as possibly affects your relationship.
Peace and Love and Happy V-Day!