I have a friend whom I have known since kindergarten. I am well into my forties now, so we have been in each others’ lives for a long, long time. Over the years, she has become more and more toxic in almost every sense of the word. She sucks my energy, gets mad if I spend time with other friends, and she isn’t positive about much of anything. I find that I am ignoring her texts and phone calls because I get anxious and depressed after talking to her. I have known her so long that I feel obligated to her in so many ways. But she’s driving me crazy. How can I change our relationship without getting killed? I am almost serious.
Toxic Friend needs to get a detox
Oh God, one of those! Can we cut to the chase and drop her like it’s hot? If not, warm up a bourbon with some lemon and honey and cuddle up. This nostalgic bullshit is going to end right here.
I really admire the fact that you have stood by your friend for all of these long long years. You are obviously loyal– to a fault, I might add– but loyal nonetheless. That is a quality many people no longer possess. One that is hard to find and easy to lose, you even might say. But onto the reality of the situation: she sounds like a complete nightmare and if I were you I would tell her to jump in a lake. That’s the long and short of it. I had a friend like this. I even used to ride around in her dorky Suzuki Samurai because I thought I had to- because she was my lifelong friend. Then I realized that I was embarrassed because she was in it, not because the Suzuki was basically like riding on a paper airplane. She was the problem.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again, life is toooooooo short for this type of bullshit. It just is…and why is it that we have to tolerate it one more second than we need to? I am not sure how your friend got to the bitter place in her life, but if you care about her, I would address these issues straight ahead and without regret. She has probably dug herself into the no friend hole with everyone in her life and you are the sole hanger on that hasn’t gotten the memo. Have you talked to her? Does she know she’s an asshole?
I am sorry that you are going through this and I know it’s not a simple fix, but I also don’t think you should feel your life and relationship with this person is a requirement to graduate from life. You need people in your life that are positive, fun and sarcastic and talk about people when it’s appropriate.
Why do you think she’s this way? Again, maybe you need to dig deeper and find the source of the bitter pill. Talk to her, tell her the truth, tell her you love her, if she leaves, she’s done you the favor. Warm up another bourbon.
Dear Beat Babe,
My husband and I are going through a divorce. It’s fairly amicable. We have 4 children and have been married 17 years. One of my friends recently commented that it was impossible for us to work it out because my husband is gay. WHAT? I don’t understand. How could I have not known that my husband is gay? I don’t want to believe it, but now that things are coming “out”, hint hint, the arrows are pointing in the gay direction. What do I do? How do I approach this?
My Husband may be Paul Lynde
Oh dear, gay and estranged… I pray that if he’s gay you can definitely keep him in your life. You’ll need him when you’re older and your next husband passes away. He will be able to take you to all the parties and keep you dressing fresh. Ok, I jest, I joke… fill up your Sauvignon blanc and take a seat in that chaise lounge your hubby had reupholstered.
First things first, what gives you and your friend the idea that your hubby is gay? There are many stereotypical signs that are obvious, but there must be some long term undertones going on that have transformed your masculine man into Morrissey. I ask this, one, because of the investigative nature of your question and, two, because my husband is a Jewish mama’s boy with the softest hands and weakest body known to man. And although I tease him that he probably has a buff boyfriend named Malcolm somewhere, I truly know that he’s into me and his mom and that’s it, as most Jewish boys are.
Look, if you’re headed for divorce, I would have an open conversation with your husband about the main thing(s) driving you toward making this huge decision. Once you think about the answers for a while, and digest any of the reasons why this is happening, ask yourself, would the fact that your husband is gay even matter? If you’re getting a divorce, there are probably hundreds of reasons you aren’t staying together. You’ve grown apart, there’s no intimacy, no romance, no connection, no communication, you fight too much, you can’t relate to each other, extra marital issues, larger family issues. The list goes on and on and on. But, if you are ready to pull the plug, more than likely, you aren’t in love with him anymore and he isn’t with you and you know it and can feel it 100%. What’s the harm in asking a truthful question? Or getting a truthful answer? It may actually solve a lot of problems and unanswered questions from your relationship you’ve had all along. It may give you the final push to pull the trigger and end it. It may also give you pause because now you could have a great gay roommate who would have been awesome entertainment and give you and your friends great sex advice. WHO KNOWS?
I have found that communication is key. If he’s gay, it will come “out” sooner or later. Honestly, no pun intended. It might be better sooner, though. You may not want your kids finding his stash of Rock Hudson memorabilia on a school night. Cheers, doll. I bet the Sauvignon blanc is going down like in your hubby’s dream. Too much? Sorry, I had dinner with my girls tonight and the blanc was flowing!